A threat or a benchmark?

As I tread past the months and days one by one, I can feel the pressure...of the impending 2009..

Its already Mid of 2007...and yet...we are back to where we started from...or maybe even a few steps back...

Will we as an entity be able to see the dawn of 2009.. or will we be looking at the clock as it slowly takes us into the new year of 2009...or maybe the "2009" importance itself will be erazed out of our minds .........without leaving any traces as we become more and more engrossed in our daily transactions...

It is yet to be seen....and experienced...

The intial 2009 year that started as a benchmark.....now looms on my head as a THREAT...

Why...do I feel so uneasy when I think of this 2009....I am unable to find an answer.....

It wasnt supposed to give me this impendign doom feeling...or was it?

A Meeting that Turned Ugly...

Had never imagined an inter-departmental meeting can turn into such a nasty exchange of words and feelings...

Even diplomacy and political correctness was forgotten!!

How could a simple knowledge transfer meeting get to this level...when some people had to quieten others...(that's a different thought that i was also among the one who had to be shooed.... :-))

Though it was feeling very disgusting during the ugly repartee but afterwards...I was thinking it was kinda funny how mature, sensible guys who excel in their jobs and control huge teams...were down to this level of throwing their snobbish attitudes around...and the others instead of being sensible enough to ignore and give diplomatic remarks were showing bare hurt feelings and trying to walk out!

Out of the seven people in the room...I wonder how many had a high pulse and blood pressure level at that instant! At least five, I am sure did...counting myself!

All for what???????

Poor OCD

This weekend passed by in shopping and more shopping!

New furniture for my room, a pair of jeans, a pair of PINK trousers, a number of T-shirts, shoes.....I went berserk shopping!

Most things were unnecessary but i kept picking up and trying and then ultimately buying...

All the time, I kept blaming on the OCD...and buying more and more..and spending more and more...

And when thinking later...i was not even feeling depressed!

Then if it was not OCD...what possessed me that prompted such a moronic behaviour???

Still pondering...

But the clothes do look good on me! ;-)

Ego Boost?

A glance, a smile and there goes the adrenaline flying!

I must be getting really old to get so excited about these little things!

Sitting in the cafe, having a cold coffee and lapping away the gossip in the tabloid..i noticed this man sitting on the table diagonally behind me with a laptop...

The first thing I noticed about him was his dark curly hair...now i have always had this thing about CURLY hair!!!!!

And as i was noticing him, he looked back...that should have been the stop ..but no...though i looked away.. i am sure he must have noticed the twinkle in my eye!

Anyways...a friend's call came through and as I was talking on the phone and he typing on the laptop...we kept looking at each other and managed to convey the message that WE are noticing one another...

It was childish...something that used to happen in late school and early college...but I had this sense of deja vu and kept on exchanging looks and knowing smiles and pretending to be just looking without any intention...

Ultimately the time came to leave and I knew he was waiting for a signal or a word but I controlled myself, and thought...GET OVER THIS SILLINESS and GET GOING...

As i drove away...I could see him saluting me standing by the side of the road...

An ego booster DOES help MAKE your DAY! :-)

Alvida.....

Alvida...alvida...ab kehna aur kya...jab tune kah diya...alvida...

How well i can associate with these words and verses...

As if they were written just for me...

His song

I can hear it playing in my ears all the time!

And that voice...with which i used to associate him with...does not go away...

A voice so clear that it seems it is peircing striaght nto your heart...

I haven't even seen the video of the song...but the description he gave is so vivid in my mind...that I actually imagine him singing it for me!

When will this sillyness go away...

The Strange Dream

As usual i dreamed yet another weird dream...

This time there was a black dog following me...whereever I went....

It was not an ugly dog...just a big shabby dog..more like a stray dog of good breed...

But i was disturbed by its constant following...

Sometimes irritated..sometimes scared...and sometimes sympathetic... I experienced some mixed feelings...

It didnt seem to want to harm me..yet it would not go away...i could feel his hair when he suddenly rubbd against me legs...but the feeling was nice...

I seemed to be thinking ways of getting away from him...but he followed me everywhere...

I met up with friends in a restaurant and there he was... right behind me...comfortable relaxing under my chair!

Ultimately I woke up....not able to take it any more...

Wonder what did the black dog signify???

Words

Suddenly I am flodded with words...

Words that i have been holding back for a long time...why ..dunno.

Today..now...at this moment...all i want to do is write ...write whatever is coming in my mind...without holding back..without feeling awkward...

yes, i love him...
if love is suddenly imagining his touch on my forehead while driving the car amidst heavy traffic...
if love is closing my eyes and feeling his voice in my ears...
if love is tears in my eyes as the radio plays his favorite song...
if love is missing him terribly when i drive through a certain path...
if love is the excitement of telling him anything new that happens...
if love is wanting and not being able to listen to the songs we heard together...

But LOVE was not enough for him...

His expectations of commitment and constant affection...overshadowed the love that I have...

And finally i gave in...and said Alvida....without getting a chance to let him know...all this...

Transitions

I guess they are the part of lives of most people but sometimes....when your life is engulfed by transitions what do you do...?

I move in a void that is transition..and I have this constant nagging feeling that as if something is about to happen..and i am waiting for something...But what am i waiting for..i have no clue...

Who do I go to ask?

Can someone out there...help me????????????

Rejection

He knew they are going to do away with his arm.
He knew it is essential to protect his other organs.
He knew he would be relieved of the constant pain.
He knew things would be normal in a while.
He knew his other arm would get used to the missing peer.
He knew he could learn to be agile once again.
He knew he would be better off with one that was useless.
He knew it is silly to shed tears over a rotten piece.
He knew all this and yet…….

Sometimes it is hard to get away...from something that you know hurts you.....has been hurting for a while now...

But reality dawns when the thing you hold dear ....suddenly rejects you.....
then what do you do...how does it feel to be rejected by something to which you held on even when it hurt you constantly...do you regret the time and effort spent on it? Yes, maybe you do....Do you get ready to live without it....or are you hurt more by the rejection...your ego shattered...your subconcious dreams broken??

I have done this to someone today....drowned his dreams...and hurt his ego badly....without getting a chance to explain....

Will my intent to save him from further hurt by myself...realized by him, ever?

Or will he end up hating and slowly erasing me from his memories....